Seems like whenever I start to feel really crappy I come back here - to my anonomyous nook. It's a comfortable place. A secret little nook for me to be me; to be who I am; say how I feel and not be judged. I have a blog that I write in everyday but at this point, after a year it is read by too many friends and too many people with good intentions but who really do not get it  on the "real" level. Some of the friends that read suffer from anxiety and depression, some have abuse in their pasts but there is this mentality there. It is the same mentality I use with my outside face.

It is the "keep on keeping on, it could be a lot worse, I need to remember how blessed I am, I have a lot to be thankful for...balh blah blah" mentality.

Yea. I know all that. I know it is true. But the truth of the matter is I have felt like crap lately and even getting through a day can be so friggin hard. The thing is I am finding that it is easier to pretend that I am doing OK than to try and explain it. This works fine until I snap or melt down and then have to practically crawl into myself to revive my tattered being. Then try explaining that.

For awhile I thought about setting up a new blog with a new url and keeping it totally anonomyous. But then again why? Why make it hard when I can just write here? Probably because I like to make things hard. It apparently is in my nature.

So I have rambled on and not said a lot. I will be back sooner rather than later with more.