Yea so its a rainy Saturday night and I want to write about something. I feel like I should follow the "be perky" route but its just not there tonight. Life is funny, ironic, routine, <insert your adjective of choice>. Today for me it "just is". I feel like saying "WHATEVER!". I am tired of the routine. Get paid on Friday, pay the bills, money is gone before you know it. Saving for tomorrow means sacrificing today. I am tired of the sacrifice quite frankly. I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat but I know I am not so I don't care what I sound like. We really need a new couch, but we need to save for a house. I really do honestly need some new clothes, but we need to pay down credit cards. Crap I just want to say, "hmm we need this, let's see what we can buy".

Sure my life could be a hell of a lot worse and I should consider myself blessed for what I have (I do) but I want a break quite honestly. In my life I have:

Survived cancer, learned to successfully (?) live with anxiety, depression, diabetes and more. I worked to support us while my husband went to school, overcame bankruptcy, managed my way through an almost separation, and struggle with the possibility that I might not be able to have kids (if I want them).

I am tired. I want something, just one or two things, to "happen" for us. Please don't comment that this is a childish way of thinking and one has to work for what they want in life I know that. I have already disclaimed above that I don't care what I sound like.

It is awful to feel like the only way that any significant financial changes in my life will only come about with the passing of a grandparent. I dread that. I don't want that. So why is it the reality? Why does something good always have to come with a trade-off. Always. Why?