Maybe I am wrong about not wanting children anytime soon. Maybe I say that to myself and even more adamantly to others to convince myself of it. Ideally or even close to ideally financially having a child now would be a very tough road. We have a plan. Pay down debt, try to buy a house at end of 2007-2008 and then think about kids. Adoption maybe.

I am absolutely not setting out to get pregnant and in reality I don't even know for sure that I could if I wanted to. But for the last 2 weeks I have felt bone tired and nauseous. I just came from the doctor where I had blood work for my diabetes and he said my blood sugar levels are fine and I am in good health. Still I felt compelled to take a pregnancy test, wondering what else causes these symptoms. It came back, as expected, negative. I feel a little sad.

Like I said I would never go off my birth control (that I have been on forever). I would have to take care of the anxiety/depression meds and the diabetes meds before I can consider doing that as both are bad for pregnant women. I like the life plan we have right now. So why the twinge of sadness?

I still believe all the things I say about not wanting kids anytime soon: that I need my alone time, that we don't have the money, that I want a house first, that I enjoy buying things for myself and the house without worrying if it means a baby will go without. I still think baby showers are slicingly boring.

Who knows?