God was today beautiful! I actually had a relaxing do-nothing-I-did-not-want-to-do Saturday for once. It is the first time in a long time that it was not filled with errands and obligations *smile* .

Although I am tired of thinking about the baby decision and have decided to table it for awhile; I find it creeps into my thoughts. Jus tlike when you break up with someone and immediately all you see are happy couples - all I see are moms with babies and kids.

Today I took Marley to a wonderuful reservation where dogs are allowed (that is almost an extinct thing these days!) While she was walking, swimming and sniffing about I realized that there was no way I could have done this with a baby. Taken off for 2+ hours to meander about and really do nothing.  Then when I was wandering about the mall with my friend I realized that there was no way I could have been doing that either. I am trying to just noticed these feelings as I have them, not overanalyze them, not pass judement on them or myself for whatever it is I feel, and see what I feel in 6 months. I cannot allow myself to be as tense as I have over the decision. What is meant to be is meant to be; whatever decision I make, whenever it is made.

Now that I have found the power of a 90-minute, 90-degree yoga class, I need to find the time to accomplish 90 minutes 3 times a week. Since I sit for two girls in my neighboorhood on Mondays and Thursdays and then try to spend 2-3 nights with my husband that leaves few evenings for myself. Again, this proves that work simply gets in the way of life! So I am aiming for 3x a week, Tues, Wed and Sun. We will see how that goes. Also since I had the conversation with my mother mentioned in an earlier entry and have spent some time talking with Adam about life and all the choices at this point and how I have been torked to the max with pressure -- self induced or otherwise -- and since we decided to enjoy us, enjoy life and do something to embellish our relationship further, and decided to book a vacation -- I have been 110% more relaxed. *sigh of relief*. I am still wondering about everything but feel like the pressure to act is off. I am reading a book right now called "Beyond Motherhood": Choosing Life without Children: by Jeanne Safer, PhD -- and if nothing else it iis putting into words everything I have been feeling.

Called in sick
Slept late
Had lunch with my husband
Puttered around the yard
Played with our dog
Visited mom mom
Took a nap
Watched a good TV show
Grabbing a bite to eat
Heading to bed

...tomorrow it is back to work.

I had to list all of the reasons I am blessed; or at least 10 of them; because tonight I hit my emotional wall of feeling overwhelmed and underachieving. I have been very focused lately on children and a house as the two things I need to be happy; at least the next two things. I have been struggling at work and not allowing myself to succumb to that because I have been hell bent driven on kids and a house -- at any expense.  For some reason I feel as if I am not succeeding if I do not have those two things. As we already know I am not even 100% on wanting the children and we cannot afford the house right now.

 

Anyway my mom and I went out to dinner with her cousin and on the way home she told me how proud she was of me. Well that broke the wall and it all came tumbling out after that. The funny thing is that when she asked me what I really wanted most at this moment I said a vacation -- a week in the Caribbean. She shocked me by saying, "well then plan one so you will have something to look forward to. Save up and pay cash and go." It sounded so logical when she said it but what I had not realized until the moment I said that what I need most is a vacation -- is that that would be the thing that would make me most relaxed and happy. She is right about saying that I cannot live by society's standards and that the house will come and kids will too -- one way or another when the time is right. BUT that I should not be tying myself up in knots over it because no one knows what the future holds.

 

She validated for me that I have not had the easiest deck dealt to me; that being a childhood cancer survivor has an impact on who I am now, that I have dealt with anxiety and depression and kept on going, that I pulled myself up by the boot straps after another medical diagnosis and that then most recently I have surged forward still when I found out I had type II diabetes. I have not really had a good cry over how much I DO have on my plate. Instead I hold it in and I weep at inopportune times, or become snippy and overly controlling; trying to control it all when I have little control over any of it.

 

I have been so busy holding it all together in the quest to reach ultimate happiness, that I have not been happy at all. So I had a good talk and a good cry and will talk with Adam about all of this tomorrow night and maybe we will take a year off from planning babies and take that vacation. I need some time.

It is all too easy to slip into negativity for me these days so I thought I would take a moment to end today with 10 things that I have to be thankful for or be proud of:

All of my immediate family is healthy and lives near me.
They are always there to love, support and listen to me.
I have achieved 2 degrees -  my bachelors degree and my masters.
My husband is wonderful and we have grown so much in our marriage this past year.
I have grown emotionally ten fold in the last 4 years.
My job pays me well.
My apartment is fantastic and my landlord is great.
I have paid off significant amount of debt in the last 2 years.
I supported my husband (mostly) while he went back to school to get his degree.
I have a dog that I adore and who keeps me sane.

Mother's Day this year brings with it a range of emotions for me that run the spectrum. The obvious feeling of the day is overwhelming thankfulness and appreciation for my mom. I do not know many people that have the strength, courage, temacity, ability to love unconditionally, ability to give endlessly and sleflessness that my mom has. Hats off to her. I hope in some way over the course of her life I can reciprocate 1/2 of what she has given me. I love you mom.

Of course I am grateful for my two grandmothers who are still alive and full of love (most of the time anyway). Their level of stregth is as grandeous as my mom's yet in a different way. Having raised a family - alone while their husbands were off at way or work - they remind me that anything is possible.

Then on the flip side today has me feeling ambivilant. Ambivilant about my abilities in being a mother. Ambivilant about to be a mom or not to be a mom. I never thought I would feel such a struggle in this decision. I have to say that the struggle is 75% financial concern, 20% health concerns (can I be off my meds for that long, how will the diabetes affect my pregnancy etc.) and 5% not sure I am strong enough and can make the sacrifices necessary. The last 5%... I would like to think I could keep it/pull it together when the going got tough but one never knows these things.

I have gotten weepy twice today and feel a third time coming on. *sigh* I am trying to think of an appropriate cliche to end this with....

...only time will tell?

*sigh* well since no one has called me back about grabbing some cocktails tonight and since I have spent the last hours doing nothing but sitting here and putzing around on the computer, I am giving up on the thought of an exciting or interesting night. Instead I am going to settle for walking my dog and then grabbing something yummy to eat and calling it a day. The thrill of my life leaves me breathless.

Blogging For Dollars

Blogs are becoming commercialized. Beginning with simple Google AdSense Ads, Amazon referral links, and Cafe Press merchandising--often simply to defray the costs of site hosting--many bloggers have sought to make a little money from their blogs. Some blogs, like Daring Fireball, began with very commercial premises. Big Media is spinning up its own blogs (Slate, MSNBC). Commercial blog networks like Weblogs, Inc., Gawker Media, Corante, and AlwaysOn Network are building whole new profit models for blogs. Somewhere between a journalist and the guy standing on the corner wearing a sandwich board, the commercialization of blogs is creating a new class of blogger: The Professional Blogger.

What's your slant on the commercialization of blogs? Is it a good thing? Will commercialization increase public awareness of this all but hidden publishing medium? Will commercialization lead to over-saturation of the Internet? Is making money from blogging just plain wrong?
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Blogging for dollars. What is not done for money nowadays in America? Tell me that and we can sleep better tonight. What do I think of the commercialization of blogs? I think it is inevitable. To say if it is a good thing or a bad thing depends on what side of the fence you come from.  I do think it will increase awareness of blogs as a knowledge source, but I have to question how many others think it is really a "hidden publishing medium. " Sure kids that blog do it for fun etc. but anyone who has ever even looked at a single blog knows that one link can lead to all the information you need as well as 10 other links that can lead to 10 other links and so on. The power of the internet. The power of one click.

Whether or not it will lead to oversaturation of the Internet or not is irrelevant. Something is oversaturated only if there is a limit to it in the first place.  Internet capacity is going to continue to grow indefinitely and luckily for most ISPs it can be compared to having a baby...it is not going to grow to its full infinite capacity overnight. Hopefully this will mean time to grow with the demand. Of course it will also mean time to charge for it as well. Again, the almighty dollar.

Is making money from blogging wrong? Naw. Money is made in many worse ways. Should we have to pay for the knowledge we get? Nothing comes free. It think that blogs provide a way to keep up with the ever changing world of technology (and every other topic under the sun) and provide an unending breadth of sources, so why not utilize that? My question is how to validate all of these commercialized blogs, prevent them from becoming overly competitive, regulate them (how why I have not clarified yet) and maket them to the right audiences (oops I think the marketing person in me just slipped out!)

I guess what I am trying to say is that the commercialization of blogs, like everything else, has its positives and negatives and the trick is to find the right balance...what that is I have no idea.