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Apr 10, 2005
I wish I could just post in my regular blog; this having two is kind of a pain in the ass but what can a girl do. Girls are insecure; girls with bad pasts are super duper insecure. I am sick of explaining myself. Tired of justifying my moods or feeling like I can't have a bad day because someone has had it worse than me. Please. I have three words I want to say to everyone but can't say to anyone. GET. OVER.IT.
If I want to bitch again about my money situation and how frustrating it is to hear my brother who is 6 years younger than me talking about this 2nd home purchase I should be able to. I KNOW my time will come BLAH BLAH. I do not need sunshine blown up my ass in the form of a meme or a long ass comment about how I need to appreciate what I have and true happiness does not come from things. I GET IT ALREADY. I still am jealous, envious whatever you want to call it.
We are working hard to pay down bills but it is always something I swear. Car needs new tires, dog needs shots, dental bill etc. I know it is life and there will always be something. I just want the somethings to slow down enough so we can sock away some cash. And student loans kick back in soon too.
Just gotta find more ways to cut back because we will start our house search in Fall 2007. I know that seems so far off to some but when I look at where we were 2 years ago and how far we have come. Miracles can happen in the next 2 years. Just gotta set the goal and go for it. Posted at 08:08 pm by shellim
Apr 8, 2005
It hasn't even been a year that I have had a public blog with my own domain and all the fancy skinning and all that. I like the input from others on my entries. That is why I "went public" in the first place. But it seems that I have been spending more and more time managing the look of my blog than writing. My writing has gone from rolling entries of what is in my brain to lists of what I did or plan to do, memes, and wide open announcements of all my plans.
I know I have a diary portion of my blog but it is really more than I want to deal with; wondering what goes where when etc. Feelings seem to be getting hurt more than I am getting to vett out what I really on my mind. Sometimes the person I want to vent about is the person who manages and designs my blog. Yeah there is no sense of privacy there is there? I can't post about work (because we have all heard the horror stories of the person who got fired), and I really do not have any sagas that I need to track.
So I am thinking I need a new nook to hang out in. Maybe here maybe not. Checking it out for now. I am not sure what route I want to take at this point.
I am not attempting to sequester myself from my friends, but just kind of want a space of my own. Just something I am thinking of. Posted at 08:07 pm by shellim
May 23, 2004
words of wisdom from the mat
you cannot make the wrong choice if you follow your heart.
there are no wrong choices. there are no mistakes. there is only your path.
and you know the way.
you are exactly where you need to be. you have "accomplished" the perfect amount.
my suggestion is to get to your mat more often,and to meditate.
then the answers will be clear.
your mind/ego will confuse you if you don't take the time to practice (yoga/meditation).
but of course you knew i'd say this!! :)
thank you for the wonderful compliment about my mothering....
and remember, sometimes it is the most NON selfish thing a woman can do to NOT have children.
look around you to see those who should never have had children and you'll see what i mean (w/o judgement).
* taken from an email my yoga instructor sent to me. she has this wonderful ability to maintain this incredible perspective and share it with others in a non-judgemental, comforting way
Posted at 11:17 am by shellim
May 22, 2004
what do you want from me?
Ever get in a rut? I am in one and I am fighting like mad to maintain. Money stuff is usually what starts these kinds of ruts for me. We are in such a better place than we were last year but I swear I HATE being the breadwinner. Or maybe I just hate being the breadwinner because A. seems to have no concept of financial reality. Each pay period we both get X amount of money; you know, the pay yourselves first concept. It works. This is out walk-about; buy ourselves something, lunch, gas, etc. money for the next two weeks. Anything else, bills, groceries, car repairs etc comes from our ‘house fund”. I manage the finances, partly because I am a bit controlling over things like that and partly because I want to, A would do it but really doesn’t care either way.
So last paychecks come and we each get out allotted amount and A gets some extra because he needs to get the car inspected. Um ok – enter problem. We are 1 week away from our next checks and not only is he out of money but he has not gotten the car inspected, and I had to give him money for gas today, and I had to put money in his account to cover 2 bounced checks. I mean what the hell…really. Now I know I make more money BUT we each get the same amount of money for a 2 week period. Granted he paid for some groceries as well (and I appreciate that). But he has NO concept of if you don’t have it you don’t spend it. He owes friends some money too. I mean come on; he is 36 years old. I love him dearly but this whole scenario repeating itself is getting OLD, FAST.
Aside from the money stuff, or maybe I should say, in addition to it, this morning he says to me that he thinks that in 3 years or so we should be able to have kids - WHAT!?! – less than a week ago we talked about how I was not sure I wanted to be a parent and he agreed and to top it he even said that he thought they were a bigger financial responsibility than he wanted. HELLO!?! I am not sure where he really stands (I am not sure where MY final stance is) and if part of this 3 year comment comes from the fact that EVERYONE we know is having babies.
Back to financial oblivion…after the baby comment, or perhaps as a continuum of it, he says that we should be able to get a house within the next 3 years and then have a baby. He goes on to say that he has heard of zero down financing. I calmly tell him that with our credit zero down financing is probably (no way in hell) and option. He tells me I am being negative. I tell him I am being realistic. *sigh*. To top it all off I have no idea how I feel about wanting to have kids and that my opinion changes day to day. (To anyone who is wondering YES we did talk about all this before we got married; believe it or not!).
I feel overwhelmed, I feel overly responsible, I feel ambiguous and I feel like there has to be something more to life than this. I feel like if our finances were being split more 50/50 I would be saner. But that is not an option so what do I do? Take it one day at a time and keep the lines of communication open. I love him and I know that he wishes he made more money, but we are where we are and that is where we need to be able to live in. Posted at 03:03 pm by shellim
May 21, 2004
Sigh ~ another week almost over. Obviously on one hand I am so glad it is Friday but time has a way of flying by. Since I have been pondering this to have children or not to have children topic, I have been hanging out some at this web site called Positively Child Free. The “Positively” means the group is positive and upbeat, unlike some of the other Child Free Message Boards that are out there that tend to be downright vicious. The bottom line is that I like kids and I enjoy being with them, I am just not sure I want one of my own. Anyway they are a nice group of people and it has provided me another source of insight. I can say 100% that I think the best decision A. and I made was to book this vacation for next March and take the time for us. All the rest can come later.
I am in NJ next Tuesday through Thursday for work. If nothing else it will break up the week and at best I might actually be able to move some of the two projects I am commissions with forward…if only an inch or two. Sometimes it is such a game of hurry up and wait with getting things done around here. I am getting better at not stressing so much about it and about leaving work at work. Getting better, not perfect. Posted at 11:06 am by shellim
May 18, 2004
doggie of the week - week 1
*photo credit given to www.starerupsteve.com
I came across this on some random site that my husband was looking at and this guy had a lot of photos mostly sopohmoric, politically, socially incorrect photos. But I found this one and it jarred an idea for me. I LOVE dogs and I have been wanting to add a dog component to my site for some time. So I am going to do cute, amazing, funny dog photo of the week here. Then the photos will also go onto my web site as well.
If you have a photo that you would like to see, please send it my way. I cannot make any guarantees and please don't send any photos of poor dogs with rabbit ears, glasses or any other attire that a dog would not wear....dogs, cute as they are in all their greatness is fine. Posted at 09:31 pm by shellim
Should I stay or should I go….that is the $1,000,000 question of the day. I really need to decide (or do I?) if I want to stick it out in my current position or seriously start looking somewhere else. I have had a solid 4 years at my job as of this summer. Seems like a long time but then again it is not really when you look at the lifespan my career will stretch -- but it is the longest I have been in any one job. See the catch is this --after the next month or two it does not make sense for me to leave because I would have worked more than 1/2 the year and will be giving up my bonus. So if I decide to stay it is until after our vacation next March.
I did apply to an external job today. One that I think is far to technical for me but the benefits seems great and the pay would probably be an increase for me. Then I forwarded my resume along for an internal posting which would probably not be more money, more like a lateral move, but has the possibility of presenting a better situation for me while allowing me to stay in the company.
HA at 3:27pm I forwarded my resume for the internal position and at 3:47 PM I got this back, "Thanks, Michelle. I have contacted HR to see how we should proceed. I will ensure that either HR, the outside recruiter or I contact you regarding the position." Now THAT is a prompt response. The thing is it is kind of tricky working with internal postings, HR might make me inform my current boss that I am looking which I do not think is fair. I have requested that I would like to know if the move would be considered at least a lateral move before I have to tell her. I mean if it is not a lateral move, I am not going to go for it so why should I have to tell her. We shall see what they say. But I think the prompt response was nice. Hardly ever happens.
Posted at 04:03 pm by shellim
May 17, 2004
Today, as I told my husband, has felt like a string of unaligned moments. Instances in my day that seem fragmented and disjointed. Why *shrugs* no idea. I have learned to let days like this come and go for what they are...less than perfect. Tomorrows usually prove to be better after days like today.
Bad news: Money will be tight the next two months and that stinks because it is summer but relatively speaking we are 1000 times better off than we were last summer. Really isn't that all we can ask for? To improve each year? Student loans will be the bane of my existence practically until I retire...how ironic is that. I know everyone says education is never wasted and I know if I changed any of my past I would not have met Adam, but dang if I had it to do over I would not have gotten myself so far in the whole for a grad degree that I am not using. Well everyone always says, "no use looking back," No use crying over spilled milk," yadda, yadda. So onward and upward.
Good news: I had my doctor's check up for my diabetes today and I have lost 12 pounds since October. 142-131. Not overweight at all but as the doc says "keeping as thin as possible (in a healthy range) is best for keeping my sugar levels low. So kudos for me. I promptly celebrated with a soft serve ice cream.
Today was not all bad.
Posted at 09:57 pm by shellim
May 16, 2004
UNCONSCIOUS MUTTERINGS
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Playoffs: Red Sox
- Morris: The Cat
- Break up: Heartbreaking
- Eggs: Just bought some so we can make meatballs Wednesday
- Parker: Brother's Board Games
- Hardy Boys: ...and Nancy Drew
- Deluxe: Oceanview Cabin (we just booked a cruise!)
- Protection: Sunscreen
- Girl Scout: Cookies
- Salsa: Mild please
Posted at 07:14 pm by shellim
A slow Sunday here not much going on. Slept in a bit, went to yoga at 11:00 and then food shopping with A. I HATE food shopping. It kills me how much food costs and that it is more expensive to eat healthy than to eat like crap. And the media wonders why America has a weight problem. HA.
A. and I decided that we need to take some time for us and ease of the whole baby decision at least for now. So I talked to Gary the 'cruise director' that my parents have used in the past and we are taking a 7 day cruise of the Western Caribbean on Royal Caribbean Cruise Line next March. *humungeous grin * We will have to save like no tomorrow but it will be worth it. The killer is that the final payment is due in Dec, three months before the trip. I am determined to pay for all of the trip before we leave and not put a dime of it on credit. Then all we will need to concern ourselves with is spending money and we can really enjoy it. Now if I can make it that long with work without going nuts.
At I have a little break in 3 weeks when we go to a friend's wedding in VT and of course Memorial Day off too.
Posted at 06:58 pm by shellim
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