Words I really do not need to hear ever again from my boss.

• Vet – as in “let’s just vet this issue out one more time”
• Intuition pump – as in “it’s ok if this is redundant. It is there to serve as an intuition pump.”
• “You are a gentleman and a scholar.” Umm has he noticed I am a woman?
• Hearing him call someone by a nickname that they very obviously do not like (such as Willie for Will or Seany for Sean). He tried calling me shelli once. He won’t try it again.

I  just might be able to pay off my student loans in a few years if I had $1.00 for every time he said one of these.

If you think that going from a larger company to a smaller company will eliminate politics; think again. It just makes the politics more personal. Don’t get me wrong I am still much happier at my job than at my old one but the bullshit flies everywhere it seems.

Heading into the three month mark of being here I am starting to get my voice. In one instance in particular I backed down on an issue that my boss pushed strongly one way for. I feel badly about it but at this point need to let it pass and not open the entire can of worms again. However, I have learned that I have to voice my opinion and healthy disagreement is OK.  It is finding that fine line between him being my boss (a.k.a. doing what I am told) and doing what I feel is right for the project and the team. I guess I need to prove my value to the rest of the group (his boss and those above him), gain some credibility and then I can be more secure in voicing my opinions and strategies.

You live. You learn.

Seems like whenever I start to feel really crappy I come back here - to my anonomyous nook. It's a comfortable place. A secret little nook for me to be me; to be who I am; say how I feel and not be judged. I have a blog that I write in everyday but at this point, after a year it is read by too many friends and too many people with good intentions but who really do not get it  on the "real" level. Some of the friends that read suffer from anxiety and depression, some have abuse in their pasts but there is this mentality there. It is the same mentality I use with my outside face.

It is the "keep on keeping on, it could be a lot worse, I need to remember how blessed I am, I have a lot to be thankful for...balh blah blah" mentality.

Yea. I know all that. I know it is true. But the truth of the matter is I have felt like crap lately and even getting through a day can be so friggin hard. The thing is I am finding that it is easier to pretend that I am doing OK than to try and explain it. This works fine until I snap or melt down and then have to practically crawl into myself to revive my tattered being. Then try explaining that.

For awhile I thought about setting up a new blog with a new url and keeping it totally anonomyous. But then again why? Why make it hard when I can just write here? Probably because I like to make things hard. It apparently is in my nature.

So I have rambled on and not said a lot. I will be back sooner rather than later with more.

Maybe I am wrong about not wanting children anytime soon. Maybe I say that to myself and even more adamantly to others to convince myself of it. Ideally or even close to ideally financially having a child now would be a very tough road. We have a plan. Pay down debt, try to buy a house at end of 2007-2008 and then think about kids. Adoption maybe.

I am absolutely not setting out to get pregnant and in reality I don't even know for sure that I could if I wanted to. But for the last 2 weeks I have felt bone tired and nauseous. I just came from the doctor where I had blood work for my diabetes and he said my blood sugar levels are fine and I am in good health. Still I felt compelled to take a pregnancy test, wondering what else causes these symptoms. It came back, as expected, negative. I feel a little sad.

Like I said I would never go off my birth control (that I have been on forever). I would have to take care of the anxiety/depression meds and the diabetes meds before I can consider doing that as both are bad for pregnant women. I like the life plan we have right now. So why the twinge of sadness?

I still believe all the things I say about not wanting kids anytime soon: that I need my alone time, that we don't have the money, that I want a house first, that I enjoy buying things for myself and the house without worrying if it means a baby will go without. I still think baby showers are slicingly boring.

Who knows?

One of my good friend's mothers is sick, as in she has not been conscious since last Thursday and has congestive heart failure sick. I know it is not about me but I feel helpless. My friend has pretty much checked out of communications to deal with this and to be with her family; as she should be.

I want to do more; bake a casserole or something. But that seems like such a post funeral thing to do. Also she is very guarded about her emotions. I don't want to make (or expect her) to talk about everything.

See the thing is I have never lost anyone that super close to me. My grandfathers have both passed away but that is kind of like 1 level removed - you know what I mean. All of this hits me too hard about the "how will I cope when I am in this situation?" I know I will be a mess but what that means I am not sure.

Drat this post sounds so self focused at a time when it should not be about me at all. Sending all the prayers and vibes I can to my friend and her mom and family.  But I am not sure what I am praying for. It sounds like it will go one way but do I pray for that? THAT seems wrong somehow, even if she has been failing for sometime. I guess I will pray for the powers that be that everything happens as it is meant to (I am a big believer in that) and that her mom is in no pain in any situation and that my friend has the support and strength she needs to get through this difficult time.

I made nice with the person I was mostly talking about in my previous posts. Why? I have no idea really. There were even several things she said as I was apologizing that made me roll my eyes and wonder. But I am going to try, again, one more time to be the better person and put the ridiculous past behind us and move forward to see if we can be friends. Honestly I think I did it for the good of the group. Ya know "took one for the team."

I do want to say that this person has a lot of wonderful qualities. I am not saying she is a bad person. All I am saying is that it is a challenge for me to relate to her,her need to hold onto the past, and her intensive sensitivity.  But that is my problem not her's.  No one should change for anyone else. She should not change for me.  I just need to see if we can gel as friends on a real level.

I need to be able to say to myself I did the best I could and gave it a fair chance. Only time will tell.